King’s CROWNing Authors with April G Tucholke

It’s (not) Monday and we have our scheduled King’s C.R.O.W.N.ing Authors (Cajoling Random Observations Now) interview. Please welcome APRIL genevieve TUCHOLKE.

Pilot Major Cecil Powell and the X-24A on Lakebed — waiting

April, we are waiting for your wonderfully answers.

1. What is your understanding of One Direction?

I think it’s a boy band made up of 4 skinny-legged, floppy-haired brothers. They sing upbeat songs about love, and use words like “girrrrrl.” This is my best guess.

2. Do you think you could start a fire by rubbing two pencils together?

Wow. That sounds really tedious. I’d rather try to start a fire with my mind, like the girl in King’s Firestarter. Once I tap into that power, well, the world’s my oyster. I’ll finally be able to cross “Attempt World Domination Via Pyrokinesis” off my bucket list.

3. I watch Christmas movies at Halloween and Halloween movies at Christmas. Do you have any festive tradition that are out of kilter?

Hmmm. Many people watch sports on holidays, correct? I’ve never done this. I also think turkey and mashed potatoes makes for an aggressively boring meal. I want to scream whenever I think of it.

4. What are your writing rituals?

Wake up, immediately think about current book.

Coffee. Stare at intimidating and ominous manuscript. Answer dozens of emails. Pet dogs. Coffee. Go on hike. Stare at intimidating and ominous manuscript. Coffee. Type a sentence. Type another sentence. Finish my 1000 word goal somewhere around midnight.

5. If I say ‘Dog barking,’ you say:

“Oscar! Take it down a notch, you adorable, feisty little Bichon, there isn’t even a dog outside, you’re just barking at an empty sidewalk, and now you’ve got sweet little Hugo barking too, damn it, I’m trying to write over here, I was in the middle of a very intense scene over here, go back to sleep, both of you, this is so disruptive, I’m going to put you both in your crates, I mean it, it’s not an empty threat like all those other times…”

6. If you were a cave woman of the Stone Age would you still have written on cave walls?

Not a chance. I can think of a million stone age things I’d rather be doing than writing. Sitting still and focusing…it’s unnatural. It’s mind torture. I’d much rather be following the herds of Giant Deer across Ireland (look it up) or fiddling with metalworking (bronze, specifically) so I can move myself into the next period of history. I’d leave it up to the oral storytellers to tell the tales.

7. The place name Oregon always reminds me of Oreo cookies. Can you

please explain this for me?

I cannot.

April-Genevieve-Tucholke-pic-300x271 — April G Tucholke

But here’s an instructive (if evil-spirited) poem about my fine state:

Oregon.

Doesn’t rhyme with swan.

Oregon.

Rhymes with SIN.

Use this poetic tool,

You drooling fool.

Get the diction down,

You dimwitted clown.

Oregon.

8. Have you ever had a conversation via the medium of stickers? (If not, please explain why)

I’ve long been suspicious of stickers. I scorn them and their kin.

9. There are Two Hall Keys on my keyring, what ever shall I do?

One key opens a red door at the end of a dark, narrow hallway on the fourth floor of a Yorkshire manor that burned to the ground fifty years ago. This key is lucky. Keep it with you always.

Do not use the other key. NEVER, ever use that other key. Do not stick it in a lock, not any lock, not any door, not ever. You will not like what is on the other side of a door that is opened by that key, I promise you.

10. If you were a rapper what would your stage name be?

Dubious Shell. Or Percival Rust.

Thank you, April. That was fun and yes those giant antlered animals would be worthy of many miles of stalking/helping them walk. If wouldn’t have been able to get far as Ireland was a forest back then and their antlers were HUGE. (Kinda like some Irish politicians in 2014)

About April

She is the author of BETWEEN THE DEVIL AND THE DEEP BLUE SEA, BETWEEN THE SPARK AND THE BURN, and WINK. POPPY. MIDNIGHT. (Out early 2016). Dial/Penguin. Represented by Joanna Volpe at New Leaf Literary & Media. And is funny annnd writes horror.

You have been wonderful and I, being King, give you an invisible crown for your answers.